10 Things I Hate About Christmas

Hi everyone.

My name is Melissa and I hate Christmas.

There, I’ve said it and let all the wrath of Rudolph “rein” down on me, I don’t care.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been much of a festive fan. It probably dates back to when I discovered three of my mother’s nylon stockings, minus the suspenders but crammed to the toes with tiny parcels wrapped in cheap Christmas paper, hidden under my parents’ bed. I didn’t need to be one of the Wise Men to realise that the stockings had not been put there by Father Christmas. They had actually been put there by Mother Christmas who was probably too exhausted after individually wrapping 137 cheap plastic toys, not to mention the packets of sweet cigarettes (it was the 1960s) and the cut-price satsumas, to look for a better hiding place.

I hope Santa is wearing flame proof trousers.

But why, you ask yourself, as you force down that final crumb of your Waitrose All Butter Mince Pie (other mince pies etc etc), would anyone hate Christmas? Well, obviously I can’t speak for anyone else but here are 10 of my own reasons. All opinions are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of Jesus, Mary, Joseph or even the wee donkey.

1. Sad News In Christmas Cards

Before the “advent” of Social Media, the only way we found out what our far-away friends and family were doing was by something called letters. Nowadays we know if someone has been diagnosed with an ingrowing toenail three seconds after the event, thanks to WhatsApp etc. But for some reason, people still feel it’s acceptable to use Christmas to tell me, often inside a card with a jolly penguin wearing a Santa hat on the front, that Aunty Flo sadly passed away in September after choking on a piece of salted-caramel flavoured popcorn while watching an old episode of Midsomer Murders.

2. The Feeling That Everyone Else Except You Is Having A Great Time

I’m not stupid. I know, intellectually at least, that behind closed doors draped in plastic holly wreaths and pink frosted candle-shaped bulbs, all is not necessarily calm and bright. I know this because the calls to organisations like Relate and the Samaritans increase dramatically after the Big Day, as does the workload of divorce lawyers. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling it.

If they don't get up soon I'm going to attack that tree.

3. You Can’t Ignore It

Easter, Mothering Sunday, Valentine’s Day, Feast of the Dedication of the Lateran Basilica...these are all special days in the calendar that are pretty easy to ignore. But Christmas? Not so much. Whether it’s wall to wall Christmas music on the radio, TV adverts that start in October or neighbours’ festive lights that do a pretty good impersonation of Blackpool Illuminations, Christmas can seep its way into your conscious like the air from a slowly deflating party balloon.

4. Cards From People You Haven’t Been In Touch With For Years

Just because you were my hairdresser in 1977, or you shared a table with my ex-husband’s sister-in-law when you met on holiday in Greece during the Gulf War, that doesn’t give you the right to infiltrate my letter box every December. You know nothing about my life now and let’s face it, probably wouldn’t want to know. I'm just on a list. Get over it.

That snowman looks like he's been at the advocaat.

5. Adverts That Use Christmas Carols To Sell Stuff

In 1935 when the composer Arthur Worrell arranged the traditional “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” into the popular version we sing today, I doubt very much that he was expecting it to be used as a way of promoting everything from Christmas Cake Gin to a Sex Toy Advent Calendar. (Yes, really.) OK, so maybe not that specific carol but you know what I mean. Ding-Dong Merrily on High, Tesco Tills Are Ringing.

6. The Mad Food

I think you probably know the sort of things I’m talking about. Pork and Truffle Bon Bons, Whipped Feta and Mint Parcels, Pigs In Blankets Pizza, Marmalade Glazed Roast Turkey and Plant Menu Cauliflower Popcorn with Buffalo Sauce. I was going to say that I made the last one up but I didn’t need to. And don’t get me started on Brussels Sprouts.

I could have made do with a packet of crisps.

7. Fireworks

Having only just inflicted upon us the aerial onslaught that is Bonfire Night and Diwali, some people (possibly the same ones who think that it is acceptable to set off fireworks at 2am on a school night) firmly believe that Jesus would like us to celebrate his birthday by letting off a barrage of rockets, jumping jacks and smoke bombs. This usually occurs just as I have settled down to listen to the dulcet tones of this year’s cute choir boy singing the opening lines of Once In Royal David’s City. Thanks guys.

8. It Exacerbates Any Problems You Already Have

I always think that Christmas should come with the same sort of health warnings that you get on those very scary leaflets inside packets of pills or other medication. “Like all occasions of forced jollity and delight, Christmas can cause side-effects, although not everybody gets them. Anyone already suffering from grief, loneliness, stress, poor mental health, damaged relationships, family problems or an aversion to The Two Ronnies should be particularly cautious.”

Bloody Christmas.

9. It’s The Same Every Year

That quote about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results seems to me to have been tailor made for Christmas. It always takes us by surprise as to how quickly it seems to comes round. We never start the preparations early enough. We worry that we won’t have enough food and drink in, even though the shops are only closed for about an hour and a half. We spend too much money, eat too much food, forget that Uncle Mike is allergic to carrots and then it’s all over before we’ve had time to say “The Sound of Music starts in fifteen minutes.”

10. It’s Christmas

So I’m not talking about the line in Slade’s Christmas Classic where Noddy Holder stretches his vocal chords wider than Santa’s sleigh, I just mean that “It’s Christmas”, right?” In other words, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned (and more) there is something about December 25th that just is. Like that perennial festive favourite The Great Escape, we can’t fully escape it, however much we might want to try. It always seems to just be there in all its tradition, tinsel, tat and terrible Christmas knitted jumpers. And it will still be there, long after I’ve left the presents under the tree and finished work early to join that Great Office Christmas Party In The Sky.

But nevertheless….Merry Christmas!

I've definitely had too much advocaat.

And if you've been affected in any way by the issues raised in this blog post, please look online to see my next post...10 Things I Love About New Year!